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20131202
20131210
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Search Results 0 to 13 of about 14 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Dec 2, 2013 11:30pm PST
black and blue friday. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, president obama celebrates thanksgiving and, just like your uncle, he spent the whole meal bitching about obamacare. (cheers and applause) then a breakthrough in online shopping-- you don't have to order, the n.s.a. knows what you need. (laughter) and my guest, daniel goleman is a psychologist who says the poor are more caring than the rich. hu. for some reason i don't give a (bleep). (laughter) a new study found that energy drink cans alter your heart function. so rid bull gives you wings but they might be angel wings. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, good to have you with us. good to see you. nice to have you. thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen"). oh, thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen, i can't ask for any more than that. thank you for your generosity. (cheers and applause) folks, thanks for being here. in there, out th
Comedy Central
Dec 9, 2013 7:00pm PST
pardon. >> well, tonight president obama is letting you influence the decision by voting on line. >> uncle sam needs you to vote. so do these turkeys, caramel and popcorn, the finalist for national thanksgiving turkeys. only one bird can hold the title. you can vote online. stay tuned to see who wins. >> stephen: oh, i understand why healthcare.gov is screwed: obama needed his a-team to work on turkeycare . gobble. (laughter) here's how it works. you see, the presidential turkey pardon this year was decided by an online vote. it's like "hot or not" where hot is defined as 375 degrees for three hours. (laughter) what a waste of america's time, ladies and gentlemen! because any fool can see that popcorn is the better turkey! i mean, just look at the actual stats they provide right on the web site. popcorn is a lean and sexy 37 pounds while caramel is a lumbering tubbo at 38 pounds. hey, fatso, did you already eat the chicken and the duck? why would anybody vote for caramel who listens to lady gaga when popcorn jams out to beyonce. come on, caramel. lady gaga isn't your friend. she'
Comedy Central
Dec 3, 2013 7:00pm PST
tradition president obama pardoning this year's turkey, popcorn is the name of the turkey, receiving the presidential pardon. popcorn beat a turkey named caramel for the honor. >> stephen: boom! suck it, caramel! the internet has spoken and they decided you lose. and since it's the internet, they've also decided that you're gay! ron paul 2012. (laughter) not sure which of those two you're applauding for but thank you. but nation there's a dark side to this story of two caged animal kos peteing to not-die. neither of them die. >> however, when the online voting ended even though it looked like the obama administration was going to take a stand and caramel was going to get executed the white house tweeted, in fact, no, no, no, they're both going to live. >> stephen: that's right! our coward in chief wasn't satisfied pulling out of iraq and pulling out of afghanistan. now he's pulling out of turkey. (laughter) mr. president, what kind of message does this send the kids? what do parents say when their child looks up with those big wet eyes and ask: "mommy, why do things have to not die?" thi
Comedy Central
Dec 2, 2013 9:30am PST
been 160 filibusters of executive and judicial nominations. half of them have occurred during the obama administration. only 23 district court nominations have been filibustered in the entire history of our country, 23. you know what? 20 of them have been in the last four and a half years. >> stephen: hey, republicans wouldn't have to block them if obama nominated conservatives, like, say, republican senator chuck hagel. i mean, that guy-- what's that? they filibustered him, too? well, that just proves they're bipartisan. they'll filibuster anyone obama nominates. ( laughter ) and we can't trust the democrats with all this powers, folks. they can't do anything right. at harry reid's press conference announcing the end of the filibuster, they misspelled filibuster with two "ls." ( laughter ) that says philly-busters, which i assume are cops who arrest female horses. ( laughter ) and i don't even believe the democrats are really against the filibuster. because their poster clearly says they're again-sts this spem. but they niewkd it. they went ahead and niewkd it. what's going to happen i
Comedy Central
Dec 5, 2013 9:30am PST
states adopting the obama administration's common core curriculum which does not require that cursive be taught in school. >> there are many children today who can't even read cursive writing let alone write it. >> stephen: written off. >> cursive writing is no longer part of what is called quote, unquote, the common core state standards. this means that cursive is no longer considered a core skill that youngsters must learn. >> stephen: nation, that cranky raisin is right. the obama administration is waging a war on cursive, or possibly a wayne on lursive, it's kind of hard to tell. didn't quite finish that there. that's why i'm giving a big tip of the hat to the penmanship patriots over at the campaign for cursive whose logo is, naturally, a disembodied human brain with eyes and a mouth giving a thumbs up saying cursive is cool. it is easy to remember because it will haunt your dreams. as handwriting teacher jan olson points out there are plenty of reasons to keep cursive around. >> cursive is the fluid style of writing. the connections makes the letters flow together and it is actuall
Comedy Central
Dec 10, 2013 9:30am PST
. >> what a sad story, president obama would want me to give new handout. >> ha, i'm actually a journalist portraying a no good scammer. now i'm going to blow this 20 bucks on a cadillac full of my welfare queen baby mammas. >> hi, i'm stephen colbert of the colbert report stephen colbert. you see how easy that was? it only took jay one second to give me 20 dollars. that is $72,000 an hour or $150 million a year. tax-free. and guess what, folks, it wasn't even real. just imagine how much money i would have if i were really homeless. >> can i have my 20 dollars back. >> no, jay, they need to learn. now quick, put these on. five, six, seven, eight. i hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring ting tingling too ♪ ♪ oh it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together you with ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. welcome back, everybody. folks, if you had followed-- you would know that i, stephen colbert, am no stranger to award ceremonies. i won emmies, my peabody, a few writers and producers guild awards and back in 2002 i took home miss congeniality on dvd but i won it in a raf sole it still coun
Search Results 0 to 13 of about 14 (some duplicates have been removed)